Drew Lynch (as seen on America's Got Talent and YouTube), a stand-up comedian known for incorporating and reforming his stutter, loving the gay culture and learning about all the gay terms.
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My wife is female, um.
So, yeah, you were wrong about that don't.
Let these tight pants fool you fellas.
My wife is female a lot of people they meet me, and they assume that I'm gay.
And you know what they say about, assuming it makes and ask that I want to be inside of it's a gay joke, um, a lot of people.
They meet me.
They assume that I'm gay.
And it really bums me out that I'm.
Not yeah, I would love to be gay seriously, I think I think I'd be great at it.
But I gotta be a shoeing.
You know, what? I mean if I ever get over this being attracted to women thing I will apply you have my word I'll hand in my badge gun, gay guys, man.
They've built such a great culture, I, love.
It, ah, gay, guys, somehow they've just been able to get away with calling women all the time I love that I could never do that.
I could never like.
Could you hand me your drink? She'd be like she'd be like what I'm like I'm, gay she's like okay, there's a language that they have.
You know, I understand it I can't speak.
It gay guys and gay guys and women.
Let me tell you it's cool little if there's like a little drink special, you know, what I mean the little ones, you know, the ones that got their own stanchion.
The ones that are on the bar like whether it's got its own headshot.
And the pictures like sweating and there's like a like a like a silly straw and a sassy name like the Blue Lagoon hurricane kiss and then there's a watermelon that scissor in the rim, I'll never know what that tastes like it's, not for me, I know, my place, you know, I gotta hang back say, straight guy, things like on the rocks it's, how straight I am I call my ice rocks, such a freaking man, I get up to the bar.
It is this high on me, where's.
My rock I think, everybody's, gay and I didn't want to tell you I'm, sorry, you didn't.
But you just can you just stay right? There.
I'll come to you you're gay, you know, what? I mean you don't even have to do anything all right? You don't even have to go out of your closet.
We'll come to you all right.
It's, just Uber, gay you're, gay sometimes it's a little bit.
You know, sometimes it's a lot.
You know, sometimes it's medium, sometimes it's, just a little just a little dash of gay just to, you know, a little saffron, a gay that's, fine it's, a full-on spectrum, I think, we're all on it.
No matter what no matter when I ever tell somebody that they're just a little bit gay, no matter what show there's always some dude afterwards, it's always like it's.
It was like an hour ago.
It's, the thing you said, the gay I'm, a hundred percent I.
Am a hundred percent that's, right and I'm like what you followed me to my car, I, don't know, what we're doing out here, dude, it's, very weird, trying to leave so right? Man, sometimes it's, just a small percentage I've done.
Some self-evaluating I think my percentage hover is right around three percent gay that's me just a little bit gayer than milk.
You know, that's my percentage just three percent it's, not much like I.
Think Chris Hemsworth is handsome.
But only when his hair is down, you know, what I'm saying it's, three percent just hey, go three percent.
You know, like if there was like a boner I would just come come on.
You know, come on, you know, like one of those door, stoppers, oh, God.
What is that come on? You know, some people are like true.
I think it might be more than three percent for you that's.
Fine that's, fine I'm open for feedback, I think I landed on a good number though I can I can concede that it's higher than three percent I think to be specific my number's between three and four percent gay that's me I'm about three I'm like three point.
One, four, one, five, nine, two, six, I.
Am Pi sexual that's, right? That's exactly correct.
You know what? I mean like I'm, not all the colors, but I could taste the rainbow.
You feel me not a full-on pansexual, but I'm like a Skittle and a cradle.
What fascinates me about the gay community is that they have names for each other based on their body types that correspond with animals in the wild I'll give you an example, I'll give you an example, if there's like a husky or fella they'll be like that's, a bear right? They got there's a smaller version of that they're like that's a cub.
So they have bears and cubs.
They have wolves.
They have they have.
They have otters and and Bulls.
They got twinks I, don't know, what animal that is, but you know, I hope to see one in the woods like, oh, there was it was so fast.
Ah, the Critter Pace, oh look at it.
Now, those are the gay terms right? Last time I went to get my hair, cut I sat down.
And you know us shorter people.
They gotta do this for a while, oh, they get their hands and balls they're like this guy came in then a dude from a railroad comes on the other side, get my haircut to go I'm very busy.
Now, my barber he's openly gay.
And when I sat down, he says to me, he goes, hmm, yeah, you're, not quite muscular enough to be a wolf, but you're, not skinny enough to be an otter.
Now, these are the gay terms.
But this was prior to me knowing about them.
So I said, back to him, I was like, uh.
You are not as robust as a buffalo, but you are as curious as a meerkat he's like what are you talking about I was like what are you talking about? What are we? What are we talking about right now he goes.
These are gay terms, I'll say, uh, I'm, not gay.
And he goes, oh, well, just wait I was like what wait wait.
What I was like is that how you become gay, they just subpoena.
You I was like, oh I.
Gotta take off work for this.
This is ridiculous.
Can't come in this week, I'm gay I think it's mandatory can't get out of it.
Not quite muscular enough to be a wolf, not skinny enough to be an otter that's, what he said, and then he didn't say anything else for the rest of the haircut.
He just threw me in body Purgatory left me to figure it out I started over analyzing just as I do I, was like why can't he store me into a house? He doesn't know me I could be gay I could be one of those gays I could be so gay.
He doesn't know, freaking me how gay I could be for one of those freaking things I want to be a gay animal started over analyzing my body.
You know, just being stuck between these two mediums.
I started thinking I was like man, maybe that's what's kept me firmly planted in the straight Community.
This whole time, oh that's a slippery slope.
My guy, you know, what happens if I want to drop a few pounds? You know, well, not too many because then I'm an otter, or if I start hitting the gym a little too hard don't want to bulk up too much then I'm a wolf I came to the conclusion that I literally cannot diet or exercise or I might be good.
Am one Cobb salad away from a penis? You guys have no idea.
The pressures of my life every day every meal could send me I had to know I asked him, I had to know I was like, hey, man like.
But which one is it more of though right, yeah, I mean, you know which one is it come on which one is amoros.
And he goes there.
I can't, decide I was like come to your head, though am I more of like a, you know, beta wolf or Alpha otter.
You know, he goes.
It doesn't matter.
Man in our community it's, not like one animal is better than the other I was like really because it sounds like one of those is better like one would eat the other one, probably that sounds better to me being alive.
What are you insane? Yeah, your wolves aren't as good.
What kind of a movie would the Jungle Book be if Mowgli was raised by otters that's a way different story? Yeah, oh, no.
Khan is coming let's, Giggle and swim on our backs.
I started thinking I was like I wouldn't, even know how to use the information he gave me, even if I was gay, what am I going to go up to some dude, like, hey, man, I, don't know what you're into.
But you know, I am not quite muscular enough to be a wolf and I am not skinny enough to be an otter.
So if you are confused as well, what do you say we go to the zoo together and we'll figure this out? You know, what? I mean let's point at things that we are let's, get endangered and that guy's like I'm, not gay I'm like, oh, just wait you'll.
Text you you don't know so that's the gay community man.
And you might think that that that that's strange I think it's organized straight guys.
We don't talk about each other that way that's not how we talk you ever straight.
Do talk we're always just like yeah, that's Kevin, he's, a dick there's, his brother Larry that guy's a that's it.
Those are the only two superlatives.
We use, oh Greg.
Now don't worry about Greg Greg's, an oh Brad, nah Brad's, a dick it's, just dicks and which ironically, thank you.